A week of whirring like I’ve not had for about a year. Sure, I’ve wobbled a few times but not like this.

This was something else.

Out came the darkness, the ‘What ifs’; is it a tumor, is it a bleed on the brain, is it the start of something, is it … is it?

I have this constant ringing in my head, not tinnitus, more like when you bang your head hard. This time it was not alone. This time I had pain like something was trying to push its way from my forehead to the back of my skull. Then I got a virus of some sort, a cough, and my eyes kept gumming up. Many people have a lot worse, but they don’t live inside my head. All this opened up the wrong door in my brain.

Out came the darkness, the ‘What ifs’; is it a tumor, is it a bleed on the brain, is it the start of something, is it … is it? I could not shut it off. There was, however, one notable difference to a year ago. In previous bouts of depression, I would sink from meaningful existence and become a ‘grumpy bear’ as my wife puts it. This time there was something new.

I take an antidepressant called Sertraline. A small dose. I refuse to take more than I need to control my thoughts. When I first took it, I wandered around in confusion as I tried to make sense of the world around me. I had panic attacks in supermarkets, all the vertical lines would bow and I would find myself outside in a heap gulping air. My head was a mess like someone put a spoon in my head and stirred it. Memories fused together, and stories became hard to follow, incoherent. 

Weeks passed before it settled down. A lid had been put on the depression, but it was never far away. It just took a bit of time, time well invested. It’s important to remember that you are worth the struggle to be better. The lies of mind, are indeed just that – lies.

You are the only one who can hear the lies in your head. They justify why you deserve what you are getting: anxiety, mood swings, depression, and so on. The lies drag up your past and fling it in your face. Don’t listen to them, they are lies. Be kind to yourself and believe the opposite.

Now that I’ve finished my rant, here’s what changed. There was a layer above my wrong thinking. Imagine you are looking at an ocean horizon; you have a rocky beach and the sea. What I now have is a cloud layer above which I exist. The rocks are still there but I can not see them. 

The medication allows me time to process every thought. It was as though I had a filter bed, or a buffer zone enabling me to fight my way back to reality. As odd as it may sound, it’s the only way I can explain it. Sorry, I’m not a scientist.

If like me, you have recurring bouts of depression, anxiety, etc, know that there are ways of beating it. It’s not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight. Seek help, talk to people, write things down, and drop me a line if you want. It takes courage to ask for help, so be brave. You will come through this.